I can see it in your faces, sometimes when I pop out to the back room to do some work. I can see it in your eyes when I sometimes spend too much time doing work on my phone. I can feel it in your voice when you ask me if you can help me and I say that the equipment is too sharp.
I am sorry for those moments. But I am not sorry for starting The Paper Daisy.
You will hear me say it many times as you grow up, I think stay at home mums are unicorns. Literally if I peeped in their windows and saw them with a horn on their foreheads I would not be surprised. I just wasn't built for it.
Now please my darlings, please do not think that this means I love you any less. I honestly cannot put into words just how much I love you, you literally make my body ache at the thought of you being hurt. Mum guilt is the most paralysing feeling I have ever encountered. (I have walked home from the beach with thunder thighs and chafe, so I know pain)
But to give you the happiest Mum, I needed to be honest. I struggled to be at home every day. I lost my sense of identity. I could not pick up that same toy again, I might very nearly have thrown it out the window.
It may sound crazy but once I started creating The Paper Daisy, I was a better Mum. I found a glow to those days and I had a happiness in myself again.
You won't remember but I know you felt it too. We played more, laughed more and spent more quality time together.
While I joke that I started The Paper Daisy because I took too much time on Maternity Leave and I must have gotten bored, I really started The Paper Daisy because it made sure that you got the best Mum that I could be.
I found my identity again and in turn found an even more joy and glory in being your Mum.
The Paper Daisy is really for you.
It is showing you to go with your gut, it will lead the way.
It is showing you that you can be anything at any age if you can believe in yourself.
The Paper Daisy is an Ode to you.
The love I pour into The Paper Daisy does not nearly match the love I pour into each and every hug I have with you. (It is why I squeeze so tight)
So now that you are older, when you think back to those times I dragged you out of the car to pick paper daisies on the side of the road you will now know, that moment may have very well been the best moment of my life.
My love for you is endless.